"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

This has, within the last year, become one of my most important quotes. (Thanks btw, Woody Allen). And I say "important" rather than "favorite" because my severe Type-A personality makes me hate the truth behind it. I am the most literal of literal people. For me, the world has always been black, white and little else...and as I get older, that has been more and more to my demise. Take this past year for instance. This past weekend was Northwestern Graduation c/o 2010. I was of course, filled with nostalgia and slight disgust that it had been exactly a year since I had donned my own purple gown (6 sizes too big) and tried not to cry all weekend long, only to have an embarrassing, uncontrollable, sleep-deprivation-fueled breakdown at 3 in the morning when it was all over (no, alcohol was not involved), that lasted a good 30 minutes...on the street...in the heart of downtown Chicago. There was serious snottage involved, restaurant napkins - just an all-around moment of not sexy.

Anyway, this and many other things flooded back into my mind and have since left me amazed. My biggest issue with graduation is that almost instantly, you're thrust into "the real world" (like for real, who knew that place really existed?!) in the harshest of ways. I once had a tooth pulled and for about 20 minutes, before the Novocaine wore off, I felt awesome, like Steve Carell - "40-Year-Old Virgin" post-coital, musical  montage awesome. And then I got home and BOOM, BANG, POW (and whatever other onomatopoeia you choose to employ), the pain was shuckin' and jivin' all over my mouth, without any warning or expectation. And what sucks most, is that while the initial shock has warn off, mostly I'm still laying on the couch in my living room, screaming, crying and trying to figure out who I can punch or how fast I can get a tranquilizer gun for myself.

My life has always been made up of these elaborate plans I created for myself. Stellar academic performance. Impressive college. (A therapist told me I "like to be impressive," whatever that means. Okay, so I know what it means). Great job where I begin to make my mark on the editorial world. Grad school after 2 years. Husband by 26-27. Fraternal twins (1 boy, 1 girl) by 29 and then continuing to live out my fab life, family and career in hand. And perish the thought that this would not only happen, but in the exact order and time frame I wanted it to. *Blank Stare* Consider the thought perished, or at least a bit wounded.

A year out of college and my professional life has been trying at best. Everyone now I then, I  think that I should've been smarter and like so many of my peers taken the easy way out by going back to school. But the athlete in me makes me feel like that would make me a quitter, so I can't do it. And, while some may argue over its triviality, for the girl who has had (at least) one boyfriend on constant since she was 14, for one to not currently exist is just a bit puzzling. To be fair, I did voluntarily opt out of a three year relationship back in September and am less than interested in another hardcore "wifey" role any time soon, but I still feel that my stock has dropped just a bit. And no, I don't need a boyfriend, I have "people" to talk to and most of the time that's enough for me, but having the option, or a few worthy to choose from would still be nice...make me feel more like me. (I'm a mess, I know.) But more importantly, with no secure prospects in sight, I fear my plans for a family, scheduled to begin in the next 3-4 years, may have been me setting myself up for failure. In which case, my twins may be more than just a stone's throw away.

In truth all of my itinerary may have been setting myself up for failure. There's nothing wrong with having goals...you're frowned upon if you don't. But I think some of mine may have been more romantic comedy than reality tv (real reality, not "The Hills" reality). I think God is trying to teach me a slew of things. Patience, the ability to rejoice and handle the little things, so that when bigger and better comes along, I'll be equipped to deal responsibly, and most of all, much deeper levels of faith and trust in Him. I can almost hear him saying, "I'm sorry...there's only one captain of this love boat. That captain is me," complete with the Tom Green voice.

So stubborn and Type-A as I might be, I'm trying to refine my list, or at least have it much more open to divine revision. I love God, but I'm not interested in keeping him in stitches because of my own self-obstruction.


**Candace Caveat: I firmly believe in "What God has for you, is for you" and I'm certainly not closing the book on my very specific and scheduled dreams for a family. What I'm saying is that when and how I want it to happen, may not be something He agrees with and that I'm trying to be more comfortable in seeing it His way than my own. This is not a "my way or the highway" kind of thing.**