Game Over...?

"I had forgotten that time wasn't fixed like concrete but in fact was fluid as sand, or water. I had forgotten that even misery can end. " - Joyce Carol Oates

My whole life, I've struggled with the idea of finality. Or finality brought on abruptly, I should say. I've never truly been able to conceptualize it.

I've experienced lots of death, starting at an early age and in greater amounts than any one person should. I've even been in an apartment with a dead person in the next room. And in spite of this, some part of me never fully accepts that the person is really gone. It's like my mind sets it up like a bad dream or places it as some sort of sub-reality within me; treats it like some sort of out-of-body experience.

With those who are still among the living, it's also a struggle. In college I was known as, among other things, the bitch. The mean girl who could cut you off before you could blink your eyes...if you pissed her off enough. I always felt that the reputation was off base. I wasn't a bitch...just socially awkward and guarded. But I would cut people off. I've oft used the line, "S/he is just too stupid, and I don't have time for it" in reference to a number of people, a few of whom were completely deserving. (One day I'll share the story of the roommate who was taking our rent money and using it to pay her personal bills instead, which I found out when our management company called me demanding immediate payment or threatening eviction...two days before I was to graduate and had 35 family members coming into town.) And with many I was able to move past it. I recently attended the wedding of a friend whom I used to absolutely loathe. Could not stand him. Now? Love him. Super happy for him. So proud of who he's become. But even with the people with whom things were beyond repair, a part of me always feels...sad and slightly bewildered that in one second we were good friends and the next - nothing, even if I was the one who decided the "nothing" was necessary.

When I graduated college, I was left with an overwhelming feeling of "That's it?" A part of me couldn't believe that it was just...over. One rained-out ceremony with Wynton Marsalis, a walk across the stage in Cahn Auditorium and it was what...over? Just like that? Really? And that lasted for about a year. (Still bugs me out every now and then that I'm done with undergrad).

And the source of finality plaguing me now? A guy, of course. I've been lucky enough to bypass a lot of hurt in that department. For whatever reason, it's usually been the case where I have an upper hand. Things end on my terms, pretty amicably and with a friendship in tact, if I so choose. But in this latest run, it started out with more of an equal playing field. I wasn't really running the show, and neither w as he, or so I thought. One of those world-oyster situations, and I treated it as such. But in the last week everything kind of bombed. And I'm really not handling it so well. It sucks for different reasons, but it hurts the most because once again, I'm left  asking, It's over? Just like that? Really? He became a part of my routine. Filtered himself into my brain space. Made me laugh. Made me feel...understood in all of my randomness and weirdo tendencies. And now, everything has changed. And more than what he did. More than the fact that it bruised my feelings up real good. What I'm most bothered by, is the fact that it's...done. That "done" is hard for me.

Change has always been one of my harder pills. Much easier than it used to be in lots of respects, but on this particular front, I don't seem to be budging. I attach myself to people and situations and become comfortable with them, so when they don't work out and shift suddenly, for the worse, I'm completely thrown off. I know death is a part of life, that you can't just be in undergrad forever and that some people are only in your life for a season or particular reason. What I don't know is how I can be fully aware of all that...that life goes on and does so everyday, and yet still deal so poorly when these situations occur. This heart-to-head disconnect I have lacks any and all coolness.

I guess my question, dear void, is why? Why do I have such a difficult time with emotional adjustment? Is it a chick thing? Is it a sensitive chick thing? Is it a people thing in general? Is there a chance that I'm completely normal and that this is the status quo? And further, what can be done to bring about resolution? Make me feel a little bit better? Am I just disguising what is really denial in fancy clothing? Do I use too many words to make my point(s)? Is it far too late for me to still be up writing this with work in the morning?

Tonight all I've got is a heart full of feelings and a mind full of inquiries. I hope tomorrow is different.